Even if I didn't agree with the whole "cocktail mom" thing, today I would have gone through a drive through liquor store if they had them here. (Do you know they have them in Ohio? You just drive right through and they load you up. Weird.)
See, Maggie had to go to the doctor. She has had a cold for, like, ever and has been getting increasingly snotty and cranky. She hasn't had more than an hour nap in the last three days (which means I out-crankypants her) and this morning woke up at 5 am. FIVE. A. M. Paul brought her into bed with us and she just laid there and snarked for awhile until all of us fell into a fitful sleep. She finally woke up at 7 am and reacted with violent insult to the idea that maybe just maybe she'd like to sleep a little more. NO she did not want her diaper changed and NO she did not want to put on the shirt she'd JUST picked out and NO she was not going to wear shoes and why couldn't she put both legs into one pantleg? Because clearly her mother wishes to suck all the joy and creativity from her life, that's why.
Now, Maggie is usually a very pleasant kid, bouts of Two notwithstanding. She's also a morning glory (how the hell this happened I do not know) so when this crankitude descended I thought one thing: ear infection. We called the pediatrician and they worked us in, so I began prepping her as best I could.
Seee, this is neccessary because while most two year olds seem to hate the doctor, Maggie's full-out petrified. Right before Christmas, she suddenly spiked a fever of 103 and was very lethargic (at least for Energy Girl). So we brought her to a local hospital's pediatric urgent care. We've gone once before and were in and out in 30 minutes. Not so this time. They suspected a bladder infection or a bacterial infection, so they had to take blood and urine. Which meant holding down our screaming toddler while nice but not very quick nurses put a catheter in and drew blood from her impossibly tiny veins. She was beyond anything I have ever seen, screaming and yelling and finally escalating to this awful howling sound I hope never to have to hear again. I had to leave the room and cry out of her sight, it was so awful. She did have some sort of infection, so they gave her two huge shots of antibiotic right in her thighs, which didn't do a lot for her opinion of the proceedings.
We had to bring her back the next day to her regular doctor, where they took more blood and gave her another shot. As we were pulling into the lot, she cried "NO!" sadly from her carseat, and that was the quietest reaction she had all visit.
So today, I tried to get her ready. She loves an interactive story about Elmo going to the doctor on the Sesame Workshop web site, so we read that together and explained the doctor would be listening to her heart and peeking in her ears just like Elmo. We brought in her Elmo doll to reinforce the connection. She was happy and playing in the waiting room, reading books and fulfilling her Official Greeter role by saying hello and goodbye to everyone that came through. I felt optimistic.
Then the nurse came in.
Screaming. Yelling. No. No shirt off. All done. ALLLL DONE, Mama! See, here's the sign so you know I mean it. All done doctor. No. (Pointing toward door) THIS way! Sobbing, in a way that let me know she was terrified, not just mad or thwarted.
Sheesh. (She just has a bad cold, no ear infection and no strep).
When you know the pediatrician and his entire office staff are giving you the Bad Mother stink eye, it's not a good day. Any advice, internet? I'd just like to be able to go to the doctor's offcie without wishing they had a) a bar or b) samples of Valium stashed somewhere for the parents.