Monday, September 27, 2004

A big weepy puddle of goo

Jeebus H Christ, this sucks.

I can't stop sobbing. I am fine, the baby is fine, my best girlfriend just gave me the most amazing lovefest of a baby shower....I mean, life is really going pretty much okay. People are being so kind and wonderful and so genuinely happy for us. I wish I had understood while I was going through the infertility nightmare how genuinely people did care about us and what we were going through, given how very happy they are for us now. It's very gratifying and makes me want to run around and hug random strangers.
And still. I am just weepy and sad on a frequent basis. I have had good old clinical depression before, and this honestly feels more like a monster case of PMS than that.

Did anyone else who might be reading me go through this before they had their baby? I think part of this is I am beginning to realize this is going to happen, God willing, sooner rather than later. I am terrified something will happen to the baby and I am already so hopelessly devoted to her. I am realizing I have to push this big child OUT of me. And then I have to raise her. I want this more than anything, always have, but I am beginning to question if I am up for the enormity of this task. I don't know if I am ready for the "new normal" that's going to happen in nine weeks. It's hit me that I am going to be someone's mother. My relationship with my own is so fraught. Now I will be that person to another female. But I am afraid if I express the slightest doubt that I can really do this, I won't get to, she'll be taken from me.

And this has nothing to do with the day-to-day responsibilities of feeding and changing and general baby-tending. That I am pretty much up for. It's shaping this little person's psyche, realizing her whole view of the world for awhile will be what I show her. And wanting, so much, to do it right.


3 comments:

Libby said...

Hi Amy,
Just found your blog, and want to congratulate you on your pregnancy after going through so much. As for the puddle of goo, I was the same way. Not only is it completely overwhelming that you are going to be someone's mother very soon, your body is going nuts with the hormones, which at least in my case made me either completely emotional or completely bitchy from moment to moment. So you are not alone, my dear.

Hope you feel better!

Anna H. said...

And you will.

I know that there are all kinds of hormones surging through your body right now, but what you are embarking on -- parenthood -- is huge. It's the biggest thing you'll ever do, and tears and worries and fears seem wholly appropriate, hormones aside.

I wish I had some kind of advice to alleviate some of your worry, but the fact that you are engaged and already wanting to be the best for your daughter seems right to me.

xxoo
ps. Re: your fears about you and your Mom -- my father's relationship with his own father was really rough and I know that he worried a lot about what kind of parent he'd be; in the end he was the best father in the world. His childhood gave him a real perspective on who he wanted/needed to be for my brother and me.

wannabe said...

Amy,

I'm only 16 weeks and have been having the same thoughts that you're having. My weepiness primarily stems from fears that something will go wrong, and that we won't have a baby in our arms come March. I don't know if all pregnant women have this "impending sense of doom", or if it's just us infertiles (subfertiles?). I wish that I could relate to the perspective of a woman who easily gets pregnant, but alas, I cannot. Just this weekend I had a bit of a meltdown at Target when I saw that they carry the entire Classic Pooh line. I got so excited and started to mentally decorate the nursery, then I started to fear that I was jinxing the entire pregnancy by thinking so far ahead as to actually picture a baby living in our spare room. Thankfully, husband was there to talk me down, but I hadn't really realized how anxious I was until that point.

I also have a weird realtionship with my mother, and I am terrified that my daughter (or son) will see me the same way that I see my mother. But then I fear that by trying desperately to not be my mother, I will become her even more than I would if I had just relaxed. Sigh...

I'm happy to see your blog here. I've seen your name a lot over the past couple of years over on TTC.com, and I'm glad that you've chosen to express yourself on a broader forum (You can see a lot about me on the updates board). Take care of yourself!

-Gretchen