Jeebus H Christ, this sucks.
I can't stop sobbing. I am fine, the baby is fine, my best girlfriend just gave me the most amazing lovefest of a baby shower....I mean, life is really going pretty much okay. People are being so kind and wonderful and so genuinely happy for us. I wish I had understood while I was going through the infertility nightmare how genuinely people did care about us and what we were going through, given how very happy they are for us now. It's very gratifying and makes me want to run around and hug random strangers.
And still. I am just weepy and sad on a frequent basis. I have had good old clinical depression before, and this honestly feels more like a monster case of PMS than that.
Did anyone else who might be reading me go through this before they had their baby? I think part of this is I am beginning to realize this is going to happen, God willing, sooner rather than later. I am terrified something will happen to the baby and I am already so hopelessly devoted to her. I am realizing I have to push this big child OUT of me. And then I have to raise her. I want this more than anything, always have, but I am beginning to question if I am up for the enormity of this task. I don't know if I am ready for the "new normal" that's going to happen in nine weeks. It's hit me that I am going to be someone's mother. My relationship with my own is so fraught. Now I will be that person to another female. But I am afraid if I express the slightest doubt that I can really do this, I won't get to, she'll be taken from me.
And this has nothing to do with the day-to-day responsibilities of feeding and changing and general baby-tending. That I am pretty much up for. It's shaping this little person's psyche, realizing her whole view of the world for awhile will be what I show her. And wanting, so much, to do it right.