Friday, February 15, 2008

Nearing the End

I was going to write this thoughtful and touching post on how emotional it is to near the end of this second pregnancy, how wistful I feel about saying goodbye to our family of three as I look forward to being a family of four. Then Jim wrote this and Erin wrote this and I realized I don't really need to say anything else.

I'm feeling very, very emotional today. For some reason, what triggered it was bringing Maggie to school for the last time as a mother of one. She doesn't have school Monday, and Tuesday we will probably be dropping her off on the way to the hospital (unless they can take me Monday, which I hope they can). I don't look forward to that little scene, because I know I'll cry and hug her too tight and not want to leave--basically the reverse of most parent's preschool dropoff dramas. Surgery, which although I feel confident about it, is still a risk, and then four days away from her, and coming home to nothing being the same anymore. Have I mentioned I do not do well with change? Well, i don't, and this is one of the bigger ones.

I know this will be good for her, that her brother will enrich her life in all kinds of ways and that life as a family of four will be just as sweet--if more stressful --than life with just her. Buut I will miss our many little rituals, our "just us" time. I'm feeling like every moment right now is so precious--as if I will miss too much of her growing up with another child to distract me. That somehow her funny little ways and sweet piping voice and huge blue eyes will be less wondrous to me when it's not just her I have to dote on.

And I fear I won't love him enough, won't let him be him and not expect him to be a carbon copy of his gregarious, happy-baby sister. That I will be exhausted yelly mommy all the time. That I will somehow damage Maggie through my own lack of patience and adaptability.

But oh, the payoff. He's just completely out of room now, and I can feel him shift and roll and squirm, trying to get comfortable in his confined space, and realize I will soon be meeting my baby. Not "my second pregnancy" but my son. I'm consumed with wondering what he will look like, if he'll be big (he feels big), if he'll be Mr. Social like Maggie or more of a reserved little dude.

And on a lighter note, I am really, really looking forward to getting some mental function back. Holy shit, people, the wheels are off the cart. The other day, I got lost meeting friends--we were supposed to meet at one place but the wait was too long, so we agreed to meet elsewhere just one mile road and one north-south road away. I proceeded to go the wrong direction not just on the mile road but on the north-south road (which is Woodward, which I LIVE TWO BLOCKS FROM and could not find)--and I have been to this restaurant probably 30 times over the years. I am an idiot.

I am also so much more tired than I thought possible. I was this exhausted during first trimester because of the heat and Maggie not sleeping and OH YES it being first trimester, exhausted like I hadn't been since she was new, but I seem to remember being able to sleep like the dead again right before Maggie came. This time, not so much. And it's scary because I know good restful sleep will elude both of us for awhile. I'm looking forward to this weekend so we both can rest a bit before the Newborn Onslaught begins.

Ad then there's the physical stuff--I know it will take awhile before I feel normal, but I cannot sit up at a 90 degree angle right now, for example. I made Maggie a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and smelled it burning, and attempted to go running into the kitchen to save it. Hah. My pelvic bones are so far apart right now I think they may not be in the same county and running is simply impossible. Hell, waddling with any degree of grace is simply impossible. Getting out of bed is something I have to think through. I told Paul the other day I feel like a walking protrusion, and he who usually tries to make me feel better about how I look, eyeing my belly, just smiled and said "well, you kind of are right now."

This will probably be my last post before the baby arrives. Thanks all of you for your good thoughts and kindness through all of this, and I will make sure we get a post up ASAP as soon as there is news. I'm so grateful for my friends inside and outside the computer right now.


Lisa said...

I just want to send all my best thoughts to you as you come to the end of this pregnancy. I wish for you a few good nights of sleep before your sons' birth, a not-too-terrible sleep schedule after, a safe surgery, and easy recovery. Even though the first few days after the c-section are rough, remember that you will be feeling much better soon. The cumbersome feeling and painful hips (and everywhere else) of pregnancy do fade quickly.

As for the emotional part, I remember that so well. Nowhere to go but through it, but parenting two will be everything you described and so much more. It can be hard, but so much more rich than I thought possible, especially when I see two of the little people I love most in this world loving on each other. Those are the moments you'll cherish, and they don't happen as infrequently as you may think.

Best wishes to you, and I'm looking forward to hearing from you on the "other side." :)

In the thick of it said...

Oh Amy, I am so positively thrilled for you. I know this little one is going to bring so much wonder to your life. Thinking of you with a boy, I can only think of myself with my own son. And it is magic.

I identify with your reservations, though. I detest change and I am terribly nostaligc. I am forever clinging to little moments, begging them to last longer. It's no wonder that I still only have one child, cannot commit to having another one. Certainly there is more to it than just that, but giving up the idyllic trio that we are just seems overwhelmingly sad. Even though I know we'd make a lovely four. I keep hoping that one day I'll embrace the idea of four completely.

Good luck. Can't wait to hear all about your new boy.

Anna said...

Wow, I can't believe you're almost there. This pregnancy has flown (for me!).

I wish you and your family all the best for such an exciting time - you're getting ready to welcome your newest family member! I'm so happy for you. Best wishes for a smooth delivery and swift recovery. (((hugs)))

Wood said...

Oh good luck! I am right there with you, all except the lucky bit about you knowing when the end will be. I can't wait to hear that your son has arrived!

caro said...

I'd lost track of how close you are to "the end". You sound like you have such a good sense of what to fear ... I feel like I walked into the whole "completely changed relationship with older child" bit oblivious to what was about to hit. Then again, seems like some people find it easier than expected, that transition. I hope you're one of them.

kate said...

thinking of you!

Erin said...

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and tuesday, and am wishing you the very smoothest of c-section recoveries. As for our wildly beloved daughters for whom nothing will ever be the same, we both have to keep remembering that we have given them so much already, and that the thing they will be most grateful to us for is that we gave them a sibling.

I look forward to your good news!!

In the thick of it said...

Seven year itch... Yeah, maybe that. There's this deep well of resentment that has been building for so long. And I just don't know that I can escape it. Things are on my mind. I have a hard time talking about them. I hate my own failures.

My job is actually wonderful. I love it and am perfectly content. It's my escape. So there's always that. And Jonah, of course.

Good luck to you today (or tomorrow). I can't wait to hear about your new little guy.

Em said...

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and can't wait for the birth story.

apt said...

Blessings on a safe, smooth birth and recovery, Amy.
Hope the days between now and then are restful and rich.
I hope the very natural fear about family expansion evaporates the minute you hold your son.

tripmom827 said...

Can't wait to hear about your newest arrival!! It won't be long before you won't even be able to remember what it was like before he was here and you won't be able to imagine that it could have been any more perfect.