Everybody else is doing it, so I think I should too. So, herewith is my list of New Years resolutions:
1) Have a healthy baby. Really, if this doesn't happen nothing much else is going to matter in 2008. And figure out how to manage my life with two instead of one (advice welcome, darling readers, I am freaking out about how exactly I am going to pull this off).
2) Continue the career progress I have made in 2007. I picked up three whole new clients in 2007, all of which I am crazy about and love working for.
3) Continue with the great strides I have made toward getting organized in 2007. Really, you could walk into my house now and think I was someone who totally has her shit together, and I'd like to keep that up. And it doesn't take much longer than being a disorganized slob, but causes much less stress.
4) Learn to sew, if I can figure out the nifty sewing machine I got as a Christmas present.
5) Start exercising again. I mean I'd love to drop 50 lbs and be all MILFy once the baby comes, but realistically, I need to start working out again to have the energy necessary to keep up with two kids, a job, and a house. Plus the more I work out the less likely I am to get depressed, etc. So weight loss isn't really the goal --energy and stamina is.
6) Be a better friend. I realized this year I do not keep up with my friends enough, and I need to be better about that. I value my friends a lot, but friendships always get pushed to the back burner when I get busy and that has to stop.
In keeping with the end of the year, we finally moved all Maggie's stuff out of her old room and into her new one. The new room is adorable--we have great polka-dotted, brown and blue bedding, her tent, her litte play kitchen, and all her clothes in fabric drawers on the shelves.
But it still makes me sad. I'm having a really hard time thinking that tonight, or maybe tomorrow will be her last night in the crib we first tucked her into as a little bean of a newborn three years ago. Instead of rocking a baby to sleep. I am cuddling and comforting a tall, slim, extremely verbal little girl with not the slightest vestige of baby left. Tempis fugit -- but in the case of this little girl we ached for so long and adore so much, it's a difficult thing to realize how fast she's growing up. It feels like a day's time until I'm looking at a bright, smartmouthed teenager taller than me, a week until she' s a grown woman with her own life and friends. I just love being around her and the idea that someday she''ll belong to other places and other people, while The Way It's Supposed to Be, makes me want to slow down time.
So I guess that's my most important resolution of all--to savor this time with her. To really feel her small form snuggling against me as we read books, to enjoy her hand twined into my hair for comfort, to memorize that inquisitive little face, so much thinner than it used to be. And of course, to realize how fleeting babyhood is when our little boy arrives, to not wish it away.
One thing infertility did for me is to keep me more profoundly grateful for motherhood than I think I would have been had it come easy. I've had many a moment over the past three years when I just hold Maggie close and feel so blessed to have her --this child who we thought would never come to us is Right Here, an unstoppable force that cannot be denied. The idea that that room, whose emptiness mocked us for so long and has been so filled, stands empty again in wait for another baby who will be rocked to sleep there is a remarkable one.
But it's still bittersweet.