Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Crap.

I have been hesitating to write this, because I know people who know me in real life read this blog and I don't want to seem like I am being a drama queen.

But people, I am in a bad way over here.

I've been really struggling lately with a monster bout of depression. I feel fat, ugly, useless, a drain on society and like a loser and utter waste of space. Self-loathing is the order of the day.

And the universe keeps handing me reasons to think so. Money worries, weight issues, job rejections, everything keeps piling up. I even have a HUGE pair of pimples on my left cheek.

It stinks. I hate this. Paul said to me the other night, when I collapsed into sobs over something pretty innocent that he'd said, that he hates seeing me like this. That I'm not seeing things realistically, and I need to get some chemical or human help to get through this. I've had clinical depression before and I think I'm relapsing. It's been four years, some of those years pretty tough, since I have felt this bad so I guess I am due. Were it not for Paul and Maggie, I'm not sure I'd get out of bed. As worthless as I feel, they seem to think I have something they need, so I have to keep going. I know all the stats about depressed mothers and the effect it has on their kids, so I owe it to Maggie to get better. And I should add 1) my period started yesterday and 2) we're just emerging from the hell known as Maggie's first ear infection so I have been getting very little sleep. Neither thing helps my mood, to say the least.

But it sucks, sucks to feel this way all the time, sucks to hate the very sight of your fat face and to be pretty well convinced everyone else feels the same. If someone else felt this way, if a friend told me she felt like this or another blogger did a post like this, I'd rush to their defense, and share my own struggles and what helped. But I can't for myself. Paul tells me daily how much he loves me, that I am a great woman and a great mom and his best friend. It doesn't help. Well, it does; I can't imagine feeling like this and being married to someone who agrees with me. I owe it to him to get better as well. I've seen him through some depression and it blows to be married to someone who's no fun, ever.

I think, having been down here before, that I know the way out (Effexor or Wellbutrin, here I come!). I know, when I get through this, that I'll realize one day living this way is one day too long. But God it all seems hopeless right now

9 comments:

Melvin McBurnout said...

I'm into my second decade of clinical depression and I can tell you from years of experience that being fat, ugly, useless or having money worries ect. has nothing to do with being depressed. My life has taken crazy turns for the best and for the worst and my depression has always been there. I've been poor, wealthy, ugly, handsom, slim, fat, popular and hated and none of those things has been able to worsen or relieve my condition, but one thing that is a sure fired temporary remedy, even more so then perscription drugs (and I've tried those too)is to do something special for someone else and it works even better if its for someone you hardly know. It sounds like you have a good life going for yourself. Take care of it. :|


God it all seems hopeless right now

If someone else felt this way, if a friend told me she felt like this or another blogger did a post like this, I'd rush to their defense, and share my own struggles and what helped.

wixlet said...

You're absolutely not alone in feeling this way, but I can't offer anything other than commisseration because I'm wallowing in it these days, too. You can always paddle over to my corner of muck and cry on my shoulder.

Theresa said...

Oh, Amy, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It's awful to feel the way you do but there are lots of us around you who are willing to help with whatever you need. You just have to ask. ((HUGS)) and I hope things start getting better for you.

Figlet said...

Amy: Get help. Get it right now. Get meds but more importantly get to someone that you can talk to that will help BREAK your negative spiral. And be willing to great it. Be willing to see the positive. You might be so negative that you look to reinforce it. Meds will help. They will. A LOT. You owe it to YOURSELF to feel better, not just struggle through. Voice of experience? Yes. Fellow confessionaly blogger? Yes.

Go to someone and confess without reservation what makes you sad, and then LISTEN to ways to help yourself.

With kindness, Figlet

Amy in KC said...

I agree with Figlet. Get help, and the quicker the better. I have never been diagnosed with depression myself, but have had people very dear to me who have struggled with it.

In the meantime, know that there are many of us out here who think you're a pretty cool chick. :o)

tripmom827 said...

{{{{{{{{{{AMY}}}}}}}}}}}}}. I love Wellbutrin! I mean how you can you beat a drug that takes on depression with no sexual side effects! :) That commercial/concept always boggles my mind because what depressed woman cares about sex? At any rate, I agree with everyone else. Get some help. Once you get meds, then you'll be more able to see what other people already see: the wonderful, beautiful person that you are.

jenbuster said...

I've had a lifelong struggle with depression and girl, I feel your pain. Get the help, be there for your daughter, and know that you deserve to be enjoying this time with her. And hang in there!

Jamie said...

Take care of yourself! Post again soon and let us know what's up, okay?

MegS said...

Amy, I've been there, and it's not a nice place to be. You are a great person, a wonderful mommy, and a law abiding citizen, which is as much as society has a right to ask of you. Get therapy. Get drugs. Get what you need right now. (((hugs)))