Monday, January 02, 2006


I normally hate this time of year. Christmas is over and now there's just at least three months of gloomy, cold, snowy winter to look forward to. I actually prefer winter but when it's March already and I am shoveling snow AGAIN for the NINTH time this MONTH DAMN IT, it begins to lose its charm. Today is especially bad--it's gloomy and gray and all the snow melted over the weekend, so it's just that depressing brownish winter landscape.

But, I find myself feeling a bit hopeful, ready to take on the challenges of a new year. Things are scary here right now. Primary Breadwinner Paul lost his job right before the holidays, and my major client is dropping the thing I do for them every week. I have a promising lead on some new work, though, and Paul has two promising interviews this week and is expecting another to come up next week. Two are second interviews, one's a kind of second interview so that looks good. I am phenomenally impressed with the response he's receiving to his resume and how well he's doing in all the interviews.

Still, two and a half years of infertility have left me with the feeling I should never hope, should never feel "it's all going to be okay" because I had the rug yannked out from under me as a matter of course. The times when I felt less than optimistic were less painful than the times I thought "THIS was it! This was the cycle!" So the fact I am refusing to even entertain the possibility tht things could get really bad -- like, lose-the-house bad -- makes me feel like I am temptig fate to really smack me a good one, instead of acting as someone with the faith one would expect of a churchgoing Christan.

Today's just been so pleasant, too. Paul, hereinafter to be referred to as The Hot Nanny I am Totally Doing, has been on Maggie duty all day, and I have been holed up in my office systematically knocking things out on the big To-Do list. I bought this cool book where I can just keep a log of everything on the list, like a running to-do. It was ridiculously expensive but I just love it. He's having a great time with Maggie and I am enjoying uninterrupted time to work for the first time since my fabulous college girl sitter went home for break. I even pitched a place I have been wanting to write for forever. We're planing to eat dinner together, the three of us, which never happens. And I am about to go ug my girl and run some errands, secure in the knowledge she's with the person who loves her as much as I do.

So, in the spirit of hope and renewal, here are my goals for 2006:
Stay in better touch with friends. I have even written down who I am talking to what week through mid-February, so I can't weasel out. Paul and I also agreed to make social plans once a month with people we like, so we're not always saying "I haven't seen so and so in forever, I miss them!" It feels like such a ridiculous effort to be social with a baby in the house, when really it's just a matter of picking up the phone. I have always wanted to raise my kids the way I was raised, with a large group of adults and family friends circulating around. Time to think about how I am going to make that happen.

Be more organized--wrtie thing down or file them as SOON as I am finished, instead of waiting until things look like a bomb hit them and I waste so much time diggng through crap. This, along with keeping my temper in check, are probably my two biggest life challenges. It seems I am always tyring to work on this.

And, um, have another baby. There, I said it, we're going to start trying as soon as we're insured again. Feels weird to even own that desire out loud, but I feel like the baby train has started and there's no going back. Many future posts about this particular goal.

If anyone's readng out theree, my wish for you is that youfeel a sense of hope and peace, and that this year brings you all you hope for and more.

1 comment:

Em said...

If you are too anxious to hope, I'll do it for you. I think things are looking up, Amy. Interviews, leads. Something good will come through soon.

Love resolution # 3*. I'm in your cheering section.

*If you get #2 worked out, please share your secret with me!