Friday, December 16, 2005

Bad Day

For the love of all that’s holy. What a fucked-up week (sorry, anyone who may be offended if anyone is in fact reading this, but really, that’s what it is).

Scenes from my day:

I am blowdrying my hair and Paul walks in holding the Magpie. As well as my cell phone. I’d missed a call, most likely the professor I very much needed to talk to finish a story for today. So I toss on some clothes, grab the Magpie (Paul was already late to the Disappearing Job. Funny what can happen to that Protestant work ethic when you know you’ll be unemployed in two weeks) and pop her in the Pack and Play in the den while I sit down with the laptop and call him back. Hooray, professor was charming and lovely, interview done before Magpie got too cranky and I felt very much that the day was mine for the taking.


After Miss Girl woke up from her nap when I still had half an hour’s worth of work to do, I actually took my treasured child and placed her in the Pack and Play in front of the television. Thus achieving the Double Whammy of crap-ass parenting.

Also, why does my darling girl have 3,572 (approx.) pieces of molded plastic fun (dirty!) littering my living room, yet she wants only these: 1) the basket of medicine and other toxins from the changing table 2) any electrical cord 3) any choking hazard?

Today was the kind of day where I pretty much handed her off to Paul when he walked into the house and disappeared into the den to watch Gilmore Girls and read blogs for half an hour. She’s in a way fussy phase right now, and adore her though I do, I often feel as thought I am being pulled in nine million different directions. Work gets shortchanged or she gets shortchanged, and I feel like I am trying to do so much with so little help even though Paul tries his hardest. I hate being this kind of mother, inattentive and distracted, but if I don’t try to make some money we’re going to be in even worse shape than we already are. Argh. This job feels so easy some days, like I am just floating right through and love everything about motherhood and working at home, and feel like I have everything so well under control.
Then there are the days like today, where I feel so close to snapping at any given moment.
I wish I were better.

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